How the Myth of Compatibility Hurts Marriage
How often do we encounter this paradigm: the goal of romantic pursuit is to find a compatible partner.
We are all soaked in this truism.
Consider the timelessness of our most cherished love stories, the never-ending stream of literature and film-making that keeps romance plastered over the forefront of our consciousness like a flashing neon billboard. — Robert Johansen, PhD, The Myth of Compatibility in Psychology Today
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to find someone who meshes with our way of walking through the world, our values, our vision. We want to feel the right physical, emotional, even soulful chemistry. A lot of us on this email list have been married a decade+. We know compatibility is vital to our sense of peace and meaning.
Here’s the problem.
Rarely, if ever, do we find the person who JUST brings to the relationship all the positive traits we desire. We didn’t JUST find the person who nourishes our best self.
We found the ONE alright…the one compatible with our shadows and negative energy too. We fall in love with the people who elicit in us our deepest challenges, unresolved frustrations, and hard edges. And we do it to them too.
The love of our life can make us feel miserable, unseen, and frustrated ….
Like. No. Other.
(I owe this whole perspective and what follows to Harville Hendrix, PhD and Helen LaKelly Hunt PhD and their pioneering Imago approach to counseling couples. This myth-busting is all them and my training in their method. Geek out on the theory with their book Getting the Love You Want.)
Johansen calls compatibility an illusion. I don’t think so. We just have a failure by our culture to define compatibility in all its fullness. We just want the good stuff.
Very few of us have been taught to anticipate this moment, or even this season, in the evolution of love. Unsure where to turn when it does happen, the disappointment mires us in.
Photo Credit: Claudio Schwaz, @purzlbaum on Unsplash
In my practice, I’ve noticed that couples stuck feeling incompatible say things like:
I’m not showing up as ME anymore in my relationship.
I don’t recognize who I married.
How did we get so lost?
I’m tired of living as roommates, not as a couple.
We are hiding from each other.
I don’t like who I’m becoming.
The best solution the wider world offers to resolve these power struggles is to avoid them: settle or leave.
But poor advice isn’t the only problem.
Our individual shame spirals (Brene Brownism) compound our challenge. We’ve internalized the ideal of romantic love so deeply…and collectively wrapped our social capital, moral standing, and self-worth so tightly around happy, compatible unions. It’s almost impossible to see conflict and rupture as normal and essential to growth when up against that communal baggage. So we blame each other, or ourselves.
Just pause here for a moment. Many of you readers know intellectually that power struggle can give way to growth when we address it instead of avoid it. But do we really know it? In actual practice, not just as an idea? In our hearts, our spirits? Do we really trust that exploring incompatibility could lead to deeper love? I know I’ve struggled with it.
Most of you reading this have a spiritual practice. Sages, prophets, and divine voices have said over an over in their teachings across many traditions: knowing something is one thing — practicing it is something else entirely.
I was reminded of this last week in a devotional study with colleagues. There is this passage in the Gospel of John when everyone is asking Jesus to account for his idea of what it means to be the Messiah. He never answers the question. Instead he tells them to “Walk while you have the light” (NRSV John 12:35). The light is not the right answer. The light is relationship. The light is our relationships in our homes right now. The light is the walk you take within them.
I digress. Sort of.
If we resisted labeling the call to grow in love as incompatibility, we would not feel so threatened when we worried we were falling out of love. Could frustration confirm we are with the right person instead of alarming us?
Instead of thinking it’s time to check out, we might say it’s time to stay present.
(Disclaimer: sometimes there are real issues of safety and mental health that signal leaving is the best choice. I never recommend staying at all costs.)
So consider this: what if the incompatibilities we come up against in our relationships are the very work we need to do with our unique person and not apart from them? I’m pretty skeptical of the I need to work on myself ethos pervading the air we breathe. If there is one thing I’ve learned from years as a person of faith, we heal in relationship. In Imago theory (which is why I love it), we talk about becoming each other’s healers.
And when we heal in intimate love, our capacity to live as a healing presence in the wider community and for the wider community ignites.
Such a better route than settle, leave, or work on yourself.
I’d love to hear some of your stories about this because I know you have a few. And not just moments of realization, not just ideas, but how you put wrestling with incompatibility into practice and made it a discipline in your daily life.
“Helen and I like to think of two people in a conscious love relationship as companion stars. Each person is a unique individual ablaze with potential. One is just as important as the other, and each has a unique and equally valid view of the universe. Yet, together, they form a greater whole, kept connected by the pull of mutual love and respect. They mirror the interconnected universe. ”
PODCAST MUST
Where should we begin?
Yes, again… I’m going with Esther Perel this month. If you know someone in the dating world, especially the online one, send them this episode. Her advice at the end of the session is AMAZING. Especially for someone who detests the dating hamster wheel or finds themselves in the friend zone too often. I’m telling all the young people I know.
For Locals: Need an Affordable Date Night?
Now is the time for hiking in our county. EVERYTHING is green. Our favorite spots this year are the Pismo Reserve, Santa Margarita Lake, and muddy drives through Pozo. But check for road closures. Add to that a little Pier 46 when you get home. Pricey but worth it if you can’t resist fish tacos. I get spendy on the halibut ones.
Email me your own suggestions for affordable date fun!
Personal Update
Most of you know that I lost my father-in-law last month. I’m hoping Iain will allow me to publish the tribute he gave his dad at the service a few weeks ago. A very moving portrait of a father and son. I was so proud of his strength and vulnerability that day. We had a nourishing journey to Scotland but are home now and returning to life that feels the same but also different without David’s big personality supporting us. I will miss most looking forward to telling him amusing stories. We all loved amusing him. He always shared something colorful in return. We miss him sorely. Thank you for all the kind words, texts, cards, and love you’ve sent our way. They were all cherished.
I am also so proud to share that Iain was promoted to Sergeant with State Parks this month. Here are the kids having the honor of pinning his new chevrons on his uniform. It was a hard-earned and meaningful moment for our family. Thank you to all of you who supported us on this journey of service. As ever, we couldn’t do it without all of you.
