STOP saying these 3 things to teens and young adults
#1 I feel so bad for your generation.
OR I’m so glad I won’t be around to solve these problems OR I don’t know what the world is coming to.
I can’t tell you how many well intentioned older people have said this to my daughter or about her age cohort or about the world she will make a life in. Combine those face-to-face comments with the general mood of cynicism in the air, and you’ve got the mix right for hopelessness. And trust me when I say as a youth worker and parent, the message has gotten through. Teens feel dispirited by intractable issues. I’ve seen first-hand how…
Hopelessness = helplessness.
But what’s even more dispiriting than thinking their struggles can’t be resolved?
They don’t feel like older people believe in them.
Or see their incredible abilities.
Or want to acknowledge the opportunities this moment in our human evolution offers them.
Don’t feel bad for them. Say this instead:
I admire your spirit and courage.
You can imagine solutions my brain could never conceive of. It’s inspiring.
You make me hopeful for the future.
Remind them that every generation of elders believes the world’s gonna end right after they die. Just ignore the existential anxiety. Live! And make something meaningful along the way.
Photo Credit: Riccardo Annandale, @pavement_special on Unsplash
#2 Don’t yuck on their dreams.
(Again with the believing in them problem.)
Two Sundays ago, my daughter and I led a workshop on teens and the reasons they choose their phones over in-person encounters. One young man shared how many times he tells adults his dream is to be a photographer and they say to him, “You’re so screwed.” He’s in his 20s with a heart full of possibility.
Is his path hard? Maybe? Depends on your perspective. There’s never been a better time to go for a creative career without having to lean on traditional gatekeepers. The internet is good for a few things.
Will he have to tolerate rejection? Yes. Respond to criticism of his work? Yes. Find immense discipline to build an art business? Of course. It will be hard enough to make his way without older people who took conventional routes telling him he’s never gonna make it.
Say this instead:
That sounds amazing. I wish I did something like that! (Because come on, you know you do.)
I admire how brave you are.
I know someone who made a business doing that. Do you want to talk to them?
Any of those, but not…you’re so screwed.
Photo Credit: “A Life Through a Lens” @bamagal on Unsplash
The last one is a bit trickier because it’s not about what you say to young people with your words. It’s what you DO to show how they are indispensable to life itself. Ready for it?
#3 Don’t banish them from adult spaces.
I know so many young people who say they don’t want to be parents.
If my parents had sat me at the kids’ table all the time, never brought me to work, never hustled me into the main worship service, always sent me out of the room when adults were talking, never took me out to their gatherings past my bedtime or retreated into their phones rather than engage, I too would probably not want kids. (You should ask a teenager for an honest opinion about phone addictions and their elders, btw.)
This week I thought back to my earliest memories of community. Every single one of my parents’ friends took an interest in my life. I never felt like I was intruding on their conversations. No one ever implied, “You’re a drag.”
Do this:
Give them a place at all the tables where you sit.
Give them interesting things to do and trust them with responsibility.
Make sure they are part of your team the whole time they live with you.
Maybe if we show them our world instead of exclude them from it, our young adults will welcome parenthood.
So that’s it! You’ve got your marching orders.
Believe in them and tell them so.
Believe in them and connect them to mentors.
Believe in them so much you include them in your life.
By definition, hope is what you have when you can’t see the future clearly, or even at all. Choose hopefulness over helplessness. And they will too.
Warmly, Amy
PS: Autumn and I are super passionate about these issues. We’d love to visit your community group or adult education event and talk about teens, tech, and generational division. We will be at Bethel Lutheran in Templeton on Tuesday, April 18th at noon for Martha Circle. Looking forward to the stories and thoughts you all will share.
Photo Credit: Alex Shute @faithgiant on Unsplash
Just a short missive this week because…I’m headed to Germany! I’ll be part of a gathering of faith leaders who want to study emotional and spiritual care in Martin Luther’s ministry. I’ll be staying in Wittenberg and leading worship with wine and olive oil my beautiful congregation crafted themselves from their own harvests. And I’ll be bringing treats you can only get on the Central Coast to celebrate our global community. I’ll have lots to share when I return!