Powerful words that aren’t I love you or I’m sorry.
Any of these scenarios feel familiar?
Scene One
I could feel a rising tension in the kitchen. I was doing the dishes at a friend’s home. At my back, I sensed growing frustration radiating from her husband. This was not a dramatic situation, just the witching hour when everyone’s needs were pressing on a household and the host was feeling it. Children were hungry. There was a missing ingredient for dinner. Guests were underfoot with their need for attention. Animals were prancing through the domestic chaos. On the back of his mind, maybe an unfinished work project? He never said he was getting overwhelmed. But we are mammals. Our bodies sense when another body near us is tightening up.
My friend came into the kitchen and said to him: “I see you need help. Tell me what I can do.”
He took a deep breath. No one blew their lid.
Scene Two
My daughter strides into my office, stopping off on her way home from school. She’s having a rant about a psychology class she took. Today, her instructor shared some disturbing footage about child abuse and adult outcomes. She is not naive. But she is sensitive.
“Why was everyone so unphased?” Her class, her teachers, they were all taking it in like automatons. “Why wasn’t anyone horrified? Because they all watch serial killer shows!” She comes to the end of her gush of words.
She pauses her pacing but I can see her hands wringing and she is waiting for me to say something. Do I join her in her anger? What’s wrong with people!?! I could say. Or do I keep the focus on her and reflect back her heartbreak for those children.
“I can see how awful you must feel for those kids, love.”
She takes a deep breath and then the tears come.
Scene Three
My husband is late.
I’m marching around the house mentally preparing for conflict. The old brain synapses are firing: He doesn’t value my time! I do all the planning. All he had to do was show up! I’ve spent all day doing things to make HIS life easier. What about my life!?!
When he arrives home, he comes to find me. I say something short and brush past him. He follows me down the hall: “Hey, listen. I can see you're really upset and frustrated.”
I take a deep breath. We sort it.
I can see you are feeling…
For many years, these little moments of overwhelm could spin out into heated arguments full of “I always” and “You never.” Or they could lead to hours of silent treatment and curt exchanges.
I can see you are feeling…
Such a simple phrase to cut so precisely into ballooning overwhelm and deflate the potential for conflict.
Photo Credit: Photo by Nik, @hellomnik on Unsplash
How often have you resisted the temptation to react to your partner and instead, just simply stated what you are sensing in them?
My guess is all of us can say not enough. I do show that kind of emotional discipline all the time for my kids. I encourage this with my clients in almost every session: Don’t bite on the words, I say. Respond instead by naming the feelings you are picking up.. Ask if it’s accurate. Invite them to speak. And yet, I’m not so great at it with my husband. He is my teacher in this.
I love you is beautiful and essential. I’m sorry is a vital invitation to repair.
But I can see you are feeling…these are words that stop the spiral of overwhelm into something more than it needs to be.
So as we swirl through holiday and New Year gatherings
or negotiate the emotional complexity of family dynamics,
when relatives come to stay,
or we bear expectations,
or when we remember someone who is not with us this year,
as the overwhelm threatens…
What if we added those powerful words to our vocabulary?
I hope these words bring peace to your celebrations. May we be wise interpreters and interrupters for our loved ones.
“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”
PODCAST MUST
Where should we begin?
If you haven’t discovered Esther Perel yet, you are in for such a ride. I find episode titles like these irresistible:
You can be right, or you can be married
She’s Out, He’s Still In
and one of my absolute favorites, I’ve Had 100 Conversations With You In My Head.
She is an unmatched artist when it comes to people and love. I always feel a little changed after listening in on her sessions.
Not every episode speaks to every person. Not every situation aligns with every life. I skip around and find the stories that really resonate.
For Locals: Need an Affordable Date Night?
Want great beer and rich food? Try the Paso Robles Brewing Company. It hardly makes my affordable list. BUT, tucked in at the bottom of their overpriced menu, you’ll see you can have a beer and a brat for $12 between 3pm-5pm. Definitely worth checking out.
Email me your own suggestions for affordable date fun!
Personal Update
Whew — Our girl is done with her first semester of junior college. And happily, she put to bed a very difficult start. Shortly, she’ll be on her way to Scotland with a friend for the New Year. Our little man brought home germs to start out school vacation. We’ll see how that develops. He’s on the fence about Santa this year, but hanging on tight to that belief. Iain continues his Heart Castle beat. On his way home from those overnight shifts, he’s been exploring surf spots north of San Simeon. And I…got a puppy for Christmas. Need I say more? Yes. A rescue from SLO County Animal Services. They have so many amazing dogs just now, it was hard just to choose one. So far, he’s eaten his way through several harnesses, one screen, one dog bed, toys, towels, no shoes though. His current project is yard aeration. Did I mention he’s a husky? On the business end of the stick, I’m moving more confidently into finding connections through the online world.
I’ve met a handful of pretty interesting people and glad to call some of them clients. Interestingly, a lot of people contact me who live rurally and just don’t have local resources. I’m doing free consults as a way to get to know people who have no context for my work. I’d love you all to pass on my website to anyone who needs it living at a distance. I think that’s it for now… have a beautiful holiday season!