When your child’s lack of self-confidence disturbs you
For a long time now, I’ve been at a loss with the disturbingly negative self-talk that can erupt when my children are challenged. In particular, one child. If you know my family, you know which one. And before I tell you about the breakthrough we had, know this:
Everything here applies to everyone, no matter the age.
I am completely indebted to Dr. Becky Kennedy (@drbeckyatgoodinside) and her podcast Good Inside for giving me an effective response. I was well and truly stuck.
I don’t know many parents who admit to others just how hard their kids can be on themselves. I suspect because it stabs right at the fear that we have done something wrong as parents when our kids turn on their harsh inner critic. But I have discovered parents are not the root of all distress in our children. (Read that again.) Yet, we often BELIEVE we are. Or we believe we should have found a cure and suddenly, we are in our inadequacy.
So here is the breakthrough moment. And it began with a scene that has played out many times in our household.
Son is drawing at the table. He’s sooooo excited about the world he is creating on paper. Now it’s time for the horse to pull the elaborate detailed cart he has executed on the page. He attempts to draw the horse. He hates it. I can see the tension building in his body as he furiously erases over and over again. Until… throwing everything down:
That’s it! I give up! I hate drawing. I’m a terrible artist. I’m so stupid. Why did I even think I could do this? I can never make anything look good. I’m never drawing again. I’m awful.
And then he looks around to see if there is something to break. He finds a pencil and tries to bend it to snap so he can relieve himself of this unbearable frustration. He starts reaching for a ruler.
Now it would be one thing if this was an art problem. This actually happens in other parts of his kid-life beyond art, especially if he thinks he’s done something wrong in a relationship. Not all the time, but enough that it rattles me.
I learned a while ago that #1 (a big #1) – don’t deny his feelings. I used to do that. I used to say, Buddy, that’s not true. You know that. You love art, etc. Come on, don’t say that about yourself.
Well intentioned but totally negating his emotional experience of overwhelm and challenge.
So I always say now, Oh love, I can see how frustrated you are right now. This must feel awful to not be able to_____________. And it’s been helpful to NOT talk him out of his experiences. But…
not enough.
Then Dr. Becky turned the key in the lock just a couple more clicks. And here is how I responded this time around: Oh love, I see how frustrated you are. It’s so disappointing when art doesn’t go right. Tell me why you hate drawing the horse.
He explained. Very specifically. He couldn’t get the proportions right.
You know, there’s a reason why you hate drawing when this happens. It’s actually something good. Do you want to know what that is?
I caught him before a massive escalation so he said yes.
Because you have an amazing eye. Your eye notices even the slightest details. It’s like a superpower eye. And when your eye sees something is off, it gets so angry because it is so good at its job.
And then I invited him to say this: Wow, eye. Good job noticing that detail. You’re so great at this. I know you are disappointed. But could you just calm down a minute so I can solve that problem?
He was still fuming and not hearing everything I was saying, so I turned his head to me and repeated it. I did a sassy voice and dramatized talking to the eye. I asked him to say the words. He hammed it up and did it, thankfully. Then he started laughing. Then I offered to show him how to fix the proportion.
This was a breakthrough for us. For me.
Dr. Becky and others talk about the power of this strategy. It honors all parts of us. It hears the unsavory voices in our heads that sometimes jump in the driver’s seat (as she puts it) and start to careen through the neighborhoods of our mind. But instead of shaming them into silence or going to war with ourselves, we trust they aren’t trying to derail us; they actually have something to offer. They are upset because they are longing for something. Because they are actually valuable. So we respond to them, not react. We don’t clamp down and fight their existence, or gaslight them out of being. That will backfire.
In a completely different context, I heard Esther Perel do this with a couple on her podcast, Where Should We Begin. It was a painful story about an Iraq vet still suffering from terrible PTSD. It was incredibly hard to make himself vulnerable to his wife and enjoy intimacy with her. He felt endangered at the exposure. He would go on high alert. His wife was so empathetic. Both of them were frustrated.
Esther did the same technique. She addressed that part of him: We’ll call him Battle Boy. Battle Boy, thank you for keeping me safe when I needed you. Now I need you to take a step back so we can relax and enjoy ourselves.
Genius.
It made me wonder what over-functioning high alert parts of myself are in the driver’s seat at this moment in my life. And what needs to be said to them.
I didn’t think of anything right then. But a few nights later, I started to dream. So some part of my unconscious heard the call. I won’t bore you with dream details because my grandmother taught me other people find your own dreams very boring. But here is what I heard:
It’s okay to be a kid. You don’t have to be an adult all the time.
It’s okay not to rush. You are so good at taking care of everyone. But you don’t need to speed through it.
I encourage you to listen deeply to your own harsh critics. Listen to the longings beneath the words they are saying. And speak to those desires and their purpose. Value them and then give them permission to rest. You just might be surprised at what freedom waits for you there.
“Confidence is the driver who is able to feel like themselves and feel sturdy as a driver with the widest range of passengers.”
For the road home to Thanksgiving
Thank you social media friends… for the song requests!
For Locals: Need an Affordable Date Night?
This month we took a date day rather than night. One of our favorite places: book a tub at Sycamore Springs in Avila on their off days (Mon-Thurs). Go in the morning so you can sleep well at night. And then split a dish (portions are huge) at Petra for lunch. Don’t forget the baklava. And if you want to supercharge your experience, jump in the ocean for a cold plunge on Avila Beach before your soak. That part’s for free. Not the order the purists do it, but so so good. Do I have to say check with your doctor first about all this???
Email me your own suggestions for affordable date fun!
Personal Update
The rain came, at long last. We all watched the birds take their first of the year showers and preen in the trees. My girl started a new job at Merry Hill so drop by and see her. She’s enjoying the mellow vibe and seeing old teachers dip in before class. Iain and company charge unabated through their Warhammer figure painting. And I’m continuing to learn how to market and build a business. Just introduced online sessions and have dove headlong into FB ads. Yikes! But best of all, a friend of twenty-five years came for a stay, a soulful connection. We played in the wind, waves, and mountain paths. Now to savor the November sunsets.
Winter is coming to the Central Coast.