I’m Learning How Not To Intrude
Husband (coming in the door at 10am after a three day shift): Hey. How are you?
Me: Would you like the real answer or the answer that will let you have breakfast?
Husband (now visibly agitated — I’m betting he thinks he’s in trouble with me): Go. Talk. I’ll make breakfast. (He wants to know why I’m upset so he can deal with it straight away, especially if it’s something he did. We both hate waiting in discomfort.)
Me: No. I’ll wait. You eat. Then we can talk….and you’re not in trouble with me. But I’d rather talk when you can sit still and give me your full attention, not be making coffee and doing stuff around the kitchen. I don’t like talking to your back.
It took some persuading but eventually he agreed to let it go until later.
When it was time, we sat on the couch with tea and talked for almost two hours: about us, our kids, weekend plans, work transitions. And especially, we talked about what we needed from the other person to feel grounded and connected through some upcoming stressors.
Don’t think I’m the wise, all knowing relationship hero of this story. I assure you, I am not. It took me twenty years to learn these simple truths:
Not everything I feel needs to be addressed right when I’m feeling it.
Whatever trigger my husband experiences, I don’t have to react to it and get defensive myself. I can reassure him instead. Not that long ago, if he got agitated at something I said, I would either ignore it and plow ahead or register my annoyance that he was bracing himself for the worst.
I need to ask him if he is available to talk and/or set a time to do it. Not for every single thing for every single day. But it’s awfully easy to walk into a room and talk about whatever I have going on without respecting that my loved ones are a galaxy unto to themselves even though we occupy the same universe. (Even truer of my kids.) So rather than intruding, now we ask permission. Well, most of the time. Still a work in progress.
I know it seems silly to be so formal: requesting an appointment to talk? But it actually feels good to be treated this way. When it happens to me, I feel respected. It makes me feel like my husband cares enough about being heard by me that he expressly asks for my attention. I’m just that important to him.
Photo Credit: Sixteen Miles Out on Unsplash
A close friend of mine told me, when she’s really upset, she bakes her husband a coffee cake. They talk with forks full of crumble and slowly process their conflict. “I’ve only had to make two since we got married.” I laughed thinking of the years ahead and all the cakes they will be enjoying.
Yep, twenty years to figure out not everyone is an extension of me. It is actually possible to restrain from dumping everything on him the moment he physically appears. Twenty years to notice that an appointment frees my mental space. A little formality goes a long way in expressing our mutual respect.
“ ...interdependence is characterized by two autonomous individuals who can care and nurture the relationship without sacrificing or compromising their own sense of self. There isn’t a huge emphasis on what the other person can do or complete for their partner, because they are already working on it themselves.”
Love Songs for the Tested
A personally curated playlist with a little help from social media friends and loved ones. Thank you for the suggestions!
Starting Over - Chris Stapleton
You and Me on the Rock - Brandi Carlile
The Chain - Fleetwood Mac
Gravity - Leo Stannard
Do you Remember - Jack Johnson
Have I Told You Lately - Rod Stewart
Come Rain or Come Shine - Ray Charles
If I Should Fall Behind - Bruce Springsteen
If We Were Vampires - Noah Kahan feat. Wesley Schultz
Joy Of My Life - Chris Stapleton (who can resist two songs by this genius)
Photo Credit: Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
For Locals: Need an Affordable Date Night?
Here on the Central Coast, we were priced out of dinner out awhile ago. So we’ve been looking for less expensive fun stuff. Cielo in Atascadero is our feature this month. Happy Hour with actual irresistible prices, not this fake $2 off your immensely overpriced drink. Plus 4-5pm means home for dinner. AND I can keep my very boring early bedtime:))
Leave your own suggestions for affordable fun, local or distant, in the comments!
Personal Update
A quiet fall here on the Central Coast. I noticed this week the light slanted more like winter than the hard noons of summer. The fruit is full and drooping over fence lines. Reading Jane Eyre to my daughter and Percy Jackson to my boy. Carly Pearce is coming to town and Iain and I are trying to figure out our signature cocktail for the Thanksgiving. No pumpkins on Moss Lane this year. Praying for Maine, my home state, peace in Ukraine and the Middle East and for rain. But not too much.
Halloween 2022